More thoughts

I guess I just have to accept this. I need to respect her feelings in that she doesn't want anything to do with me, it's only because of Dave though. She has nothing personally against me, it's just my connection with Dave. I'm not the same person as Dave but I guess it brings up suppressed emotions in her mind. I just need to keep praying to get me though this, accepting something like this that I don't understand is hard for me but with God's help it's possible. God even today helped my nerves, I was so nervous about all of this happenings and I just gave it to God and he took away my nerves. I just gotta keep in there and on Friday I get to see Dave so that should help a little bit too. He is one of those people I can tell anything to and he knows exactly what's happened and what's going on in my life, more than my parents or siblings. I would tell Aaron if he was ever online anymore at a time I could talk to him but I understand he's busy just like how I'm busy too. I just gotta accept the world as it is and stop messing with it. It's like the prayer that Molly gave me a little while ago which says something of I need to have wisdom to accept things as they are, I should find that and pray it tonight.

Stupid Stuff

Why can't she just tell me why she doesn't like me? I always get blamed for being the bad person but all I ever did was try and be nice and she was the one to ignore me. I guess I just have to accept the fact she doesn't like me for NO APPARENT REASON!!! If she doesn't like me I'd rather know why, it's easier for me to accept it that way... Our lives are criss-crossed and she can't escape me, just why can't she accept me as being in her life and just get on with it, tell me why she doesn't like me and move on, that's the only way I can get past this and I just need this.. if she doesn't tell me I will never be able to get past this... It's just so annoying and so stupid.

...failing at sleeping

Need I any other words... I don't know what's up.. I'm just kinda gahh today...

I know I should get to bed but I can't because I'm not tired enough yet I've woken up before 7 every day this week and have to do it again tomorrow.. joy! I love Dave, he is such an encouragement to me.. but I'm nervous that we are still so young that it might not last..

He is my best friend seriously and I don't want to lose a friend like him. I can see being with him forever but he can get on my nerves but that's just me being me. i want to just grow up and get on my life because then I don't have to plan so much for the future.. kinda, I can do what I want without being like "i'm too young" That makes since right?

Okay, so I'm applying to Hope and Western for sure and I might as well for Calvin. But if I really am not going to go to State or Michigan why am I still applying? It just doesn't make much since.. So should I just drop it? It would make my life so much easier.

Then there's the possibilities with my future. I'm gonna go into psych, I know that but do I want to go into clinical therapy or pastoral counseling or what? Things are just stressing me out and then I need a butt load of scholarships and I need to apply to those.. and I'm not getting sleep, I just need to chill out sometime and just let things happen, take a step back from my own life for a while. I should go to bed but I'm waiting for Aaron to come online so that I can talk to him... and maybe watch "Hair" but if we don't have time for that because I need to get to bed then why am I still up, I can just leave a message. Gahhh.. life, annoy. I so sleepy!!!!!

Problems

I let myself get involved too easily.. I wish I could protect my heart better from those who hurt it the most and just give me problems in my life. But I just need to continually adjust to them and the problems and hurt in my life.

My first post in a while...sorry

So back to school so I'll probably be posting more but maybe not.. I told people that I would start posting again.. ::cough cough:: you know who you are. but I don't have much to say. Just wanting to get everything right like with Tony and Aaron. Stupid Tony, I was just trying to keep peace and yet, he 'defriended' me on facebook, how more childish can he get! Then there's Aaron who I love so much but he will always just be a friend, I wish I could do more for him but I just can't. I really want to be so much more for him.. I am after all the 'mother of his daughter' Sammy.. long story there but we wouldn't make each other happy.. we're not right for each other, we've gotten into too many fights for that. I have such a headache but it's going away.. I took my meds.. it's annoying I'm addicted to them that I go into withdrawal when I forget to take them for a while, I get enough headaches anyways, it doesn't help.. stupid dehydration 24/7. Then there's college and I want to apply to USC but I just feel like I'm stressing and worrying about it too much. And more I think about it even if I got accepted I wouldn't go there so why am I even applying? But it was my dream for so long so I feel bad about backing down on my dream but really if God is leading me in a different direction why am I still so stuck on it? I need to just fully trust God with this but that is really hard to do. And Dave is getting sappy being away from me, I don't mind it, but he needs to get out there and meet people. Gahhh.. this headache..it's making me sick to my stomach.. STUPID WITHDRAWAL!!!!!!!! Classes start tomorrow and 3 aps are going to be hard to take. Then I am trying to get my private study 6th hour but I haven't talked to Chris about it and I don't know how that works.. I'm gonna have to figure this all out and go into the counseling office before school and get evil looks by the secretary.. she scares me.. For now I'm gonna go and see if I can fall asleep before it's the first day of school tomorrow. And get rid of this headache... gah.. need. ibuprofen.