Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Things get more Complicated
Why do people think they can trust me with everything? I have my own problems and I can't be carrying others and their problems. I have my own problems that I need to cope and deal with before I can deal with others problems. Realize this people, right now I need to put my problems before yours. I will always be your guys' friends but I need to deal with my problems before I go off to college and the first little bit while I'm at college. I need to concentrate on myself, give me that time folks, I love you all but give me time to figure myself out.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Very interesting Day
I have depression so I see a therapist approximately every three weeks and today I had an appointment. I have discovered why I developed depression in the past few sessions. It's because I have a big heart and I care about people, it's a really good thing to have but I care too much to a point where I put them before myself. You should care about others but I didn't take care of myself anymore, I just forgot about my problems and let my mental health decline very fast because I took on others problems instead. It's a cycle that I see happening in my life over and over again, especially since I was diagnosed with having depression. It's a cycle that I'm trying to break. So I need to make a promise to myself... it's that I will not date anyone until both me and that guy have a solid mental and emotional health. I know both Dave and Matt are in a little bit of an unstable mental situation and I know I can't take care of them as much as I have. They mean everything to me but I cannot take on all their emotional and mental problems because I already have enough on my plate. So my choice is to be single until that happens. If they are in a better place and I am also and the timing is just right then I will consider that relationship. But for now, I am going to take time to take care of myself and be single.
Both Dave and Matt are very special to me but I need time to get myself in a secure place and to learn exactly what I want in life right now.
Dave- you mean so much to me and I'm sorry I have to do this because I know it will break you but I do want you to know I care about you. We have talked about this and I know you agree and will respect it but you won't be happy about it. We will always be the best of friends because we know each other so well. Just hang in there and you know what you need to do.
Matt- We've talked about this and you know all that I would say. Care about you a lot and Pickles!
Josh- You need to learn how to be single and love yourself. If you don't know how to be that you will always cling and suck onto a girl and will push her away.
Mike- You're awesome. 143! But you know the obvious reason we can't work right now and you are the one who I can trust with everything. I can tell you everything and I know we will always be able to trust each other. You are always going to be my best friend, now and forever.
I saw two ex-boyfriends today and that showed me a lot. I still have a good relationship with both of them and it was just a good time to reflect.
Life is complicated but it's because you make it complicated, if you don't want life to be complicated you can prevent it to an extent. I do my best to keep it uncomplicated but sometimes it doesn't work and right now I've been making it a lot more stressful than it should be. More about this later on, for now I need to clear my head.
Both Dave and Matt are very special to me but I need time to get myself in a secure place and to learn exactly what I want in life right now.
Dave- you mean so much to me and I'm sorry I have to do this because I know it will break you but I do want you to know I care about you. We have talked about this and I know you agree and will respect it but you won't be happy about it. We will always be the best of friends because we know each other so well. Just hang in there and you know what you need to do.
Matt- We've talked about this and you know all that I would say. Care about you a lot and Pickles!
Josh- You need to learn how to be single and love yourself. If you don't know how to be that you will always cling and suck onto a girl and will push her away.
Mike- You're awesome. 143! But you know the obvious reason we can't work right now and you are the one who I can trust with everything. I can tell you everything and I know we will always be able to trust each other. You are always going to be my best friend, now and forever.
I saw two ex-boyfriends today and that showed me a lot. I still have a good relationship with both of them and it was just a good time to reflect.
Life is complicated but it's because you make it complicated, if you don't want life to be complicated you can prevent it to an extent. I do my best to keep it uncomplicated but sometimes it doesn't work and right now I've been making it a lot more stressful than it should be. More about this later on, for now I need to clear my head.
Monday, July 26, 2010
New Love or Developed Love?
My heart is torn, I wish it wasn't this way but it is. I thought that I was going to be over Matt, but I'm not. I know I'm either going to end up hurting Dave or hurting Matt and I don't want to hurt either of them, they're both such great guys. HELP!!!
I know this is going to take a lot of contemplation to figure out where my heart is at and what is best for me and for these guys. So I'll be writing/typing things out because it helps for me to think about things when I get it out there, that way everything isn't just stored up in my brain...
So I think I have three options at this point: Dave, Matt, or Single. My thoughts will start to be posted tomorrow. Until then, I need sleep. Night night blogspot.
I know this is going to take a lot of contemplation to figure out where my heart is at and what is best for me and for these guys. So I'll be writing/typing things out because it helps for me to think about things when I get it out there, that way everything isn't just stored up in my brain...
So I think I have three options at this point: Dave, Matt, or Single. My thoughts will start to be posted tomorrow. Until then, I need sleep. Night night blogspot.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Loss and Love
Since November, I have dated (in chronological order): Dave, Derrick, Dave (again), Josh, Dave (again), Matt (on and off), and possibly now Dave (..once again). Yes, I did promise myself to remain single for the rest of the summer at one point when Matt and I broke up. I would like to 'Reflect' on each of these guys from my view right now and plus one other best friend of mine and maybe some other guys who have had an influence on me in the past few months. So let's begin.
Derrick: The twenty-two year old who seemed to be infatuated with the seventeen version of me. He decided because I was only seventeen he still was 'in love' with me but he couldn't be with me, couldn't even talk to me because I wasn't 'legal'. I thought back then he was a jerk because of this but I now realize.. he still was. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend Meghan and was just trying to fill the emptiness inside that she left behind. He knew he was partly to blame for the 'fall-apart' that they had and he just needed someone to be there for him. He currently is back together with Meg just like nothing happened and I have hung out with both of them. They are great people but Meg, good luck. I couldn't handle him and I sure hope you can! I wish both of them the best and I hope I get an invitation to their wedding because they are meant to be.
Josh: Josh and I couldn't be more different, he was a metal head, I'm a nerdy book lover who does not get caught up with celebrity life. From the start we knew we couldn't be much different. He broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and now I wish he hadn't. I gave as much as I couldn't into that relationship and probably a little too much. I declined in my mental health during this time and most nights I couldn't help but cry. He tore my mom and I apart and that is still something I am trying to repair. Josh gave me many good memories but he also tore me up inside. I just wish things didn't have to be like how they are with Josh. His dad at one point was very close to putting a restraining order against me because Josh was suicidal. To this day Josh still remains in my heart and I will always care about him as much I try to push him away from me, he is a great guy and hopefully he will find the person he deserves but I don't believe it will be until he can be comfortable in his own life and his own shoes.
Before I go on to talk about Dave because him and I have the most complicated of the relationships I'm going to talk about other guys who I have not dated but have been influential to me in the past few months.
Mike: God Bless your heart. You have gotten me through some of the most insane of times. I hope that someday I can return the favor to you that you have provided me with. You are one of the best friends I have and could ever have. As much as we may want to try our hand at a real relationship someday, I know in the back of my mind, it probably won't work, we are better off as friends. I hope that you find someone who is just as amazing as you are someday and that you two will make each other very, very happy. I truly do not have words to describe all that you mean to me.
Those who creep and want to date me: If I have tried to avoid you at all, this is you! There are so many of you who are always texting me wanting to go out to the mall or somewhere just so you can try to ask me to date you or 'hook-up'. First of all, can't you read about all of my guys to begin with? Second of all I DON'T 'hook-up'! I don't know where you guys get that idea from but I'm NOT like that! So please, leave me alone, no matter how great a guy you are or how attractive you might be, I'm not interested.
(Other) Matt, Ken, Mike, and Scott: All four of you have just sat around listening to my rants about whatever I need to rant about. You four are great people and I hope you're going to stick around as I go off to college because I'm going to need some sanity and people to talk to when I'm there. Again with you four, you may want to at some point date me and I may be attracted to you but all four of you are not really my type, you're great friends to have but probably nothing more than that, there's no real 'click' and no real 'chemistry' between any of us.
I think I covered everyone but my lovely Dave...
Dave: You have stuck around way longer than any other person could have. You have stayed up late at night with me listening to my problems or just how I was feeling. From the first time we met we knew we would someday make a great couple. I broke up with many guys for you because no matter what happens you always can take my breath away. Going up to Traverse City to see you last weekend was the best thing I could have done for myself and our relationship. Sitting next to you and just talking to you made me realize none of these other guys can make me as happy as you do. That when we're together nothing else matters in the world, just you and me. You don't care if I haven't shaved in two months or haven't plucked my 'uni-brow' you like me just the way I am. I get more compliments from you about how I look when my hair is pulled back, dirty and greasy with shorts and a tank top on than when I'm all dolled up where it took me three hours or more to get ready. You try so hard to make me happy when the one thing that would make me the most happy is just you putting your arms around me and just let me put my head on your shoulder. I love being in your arms because I feel protected, I know you would battle a zombie if one was coming after me. You are one of the only guys who truly fit in with my family and can follow the chaos that they bring. You have been accepted into each of their lives way back when and I know I've been accepted into your family. God has placed you in my life for much more than someone to hold hands with. You have brought life back to me, you bring a smile to my face, your thought is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this. I could go on all day about how much you mean to me and how much you have done for me. One thing that scares me is that we may not be meant to be. We have broken up on multiple occasions but somehow we never think twice about getting back together. I hope that our love for each other will just continue to grow. If it's in God's Plan that someday we will be getting married (far off in the future of course) I would be so excited because I know that no matter what happens, you will always be there for me and I will always be there for you.
Derrick: The twenty-two year old who seemed to be infatuated with the seventeen version of me. He decided because I was only seventeen he still was 'in love' with me but he couldn't be with me, couldn't even talk to me because I wasn't 'legal'. I thought back then he was a jerk because of this but I now realize.. he still was. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend Meghan and was just trying to fill the emptiness inside that she left behind. He knew he was partly to blame for the 'fall-apart' that they had and he just needed someone to be there for him. He currently is back together with Meg just like nothing happened and I have hung out with both of them. They are great people but Meg, good luck. I couldn't handle him and I sure hope you can! I wish both of them the best and I hope I get an invitation to their wedding because they are meant to be.
Josh: Josh and I couldn't be more different, he was a metal head, I'm a nerdy book lover who does not get caught up with celebrity life. From the start we knew we couldn't be much different. He broke up with his girlfriend to be with me and now I wish he hadn't. I gave as much as I couldn't into that relationship and probably a little too much. I declined in my mental health during this time and most nights I couldn't help but cry. He tore my mom and I apart and that is still something I am trying to repair. Josh gave me many good memories but he also tore me up inside. I just wish things didn't have to be like how they are with Josh. His dad at one point was very close to putting a restraining order against me because Josh was suicidal. To this day Josh still remains in my heart and I will always care about him as much I try to push him away from me, he is a great guy and hopefully he will find the person he deserves but I don't believe it will be until he can be comfortable in his own life and his own shoes.
Matt: We are still very close and broke up for the final time only recently. He showed me what it truly feels to be in love, be willing to do anything for them. But in this relationship I also learned that when you devote your entire being to another person, you will only be disappointed. I thought that with Josh I declined in mental health, with Matt, I plummeted.. I thought about killing myself on multiple occasions because of how destructive he was to his own body. I feel like as much as I pour into him he never seemed to get any better. Under any other circumstances in both Matt's and my own life we would have been great together but sadly things just kept getting worse and worse. Matt still wants to try again with our relationship but I can only see more heartbreak and more destructive behavior on both of our parts if things continue between him and I. Maybe at some point him and I can try again, but I think we lost our chance. I wish him a happy life someday and I hope that he knows no matter what I'm going to be here for him but I can't be as involved as I once was, he needs to help himself now.
"You cannot love someone else unless you first love yourself."Mike: God Bless your heart. You have gotten me through some of the most insane of times. I hope that someday I can return the favor to you that you have provided me with. You are one of the best friends I have and could ever have. As much as we may want to try our hand at a real relationship someday, I know in the back of my mind, it probably won't work, we are better off as friends. I hope that you find someone who is just as amazing as you are someday and that you two will make each other very, very happy. I truly do not have words to describe all that you mean to me.
Those who creep and want to date me: If I have tried to avoid you at all, this is you! There are so many of you who are always texting me wanting to go out to the mall or somewhere just so you can try to ask me to date you or 'hook-up'. First of all, can't you read about all of my guys to begin with? Second of all I DON'T 'hook-up'! I don't know where you guys get that idea from but I'm NOT like that! So please, leave me alone, no matter how great a guy you are or how attractive you might be, I'm not interested.
(Other) Matt, Ken, Mike, and Scott: All four of you have just sat around listening to my rants about whatever I need to rant about. You four are great people and I hope you're going to stick around as I go off to college because I'm going to need some sanity and people to talk to when I'm there. Again with you four, you may want to at some point date me and I may be attracted to you but all four of you are not really my type, you're great friends to have but probably nothing more than that, there's no real 'click' and no real 'chemistry' between any of us.
I think I covered everyone but my lovely Dave...
Dave: You have stuck around way longer than any other person could have. You have stayed up late at night with me listening to my problems or just how I was feeling. From the first time we met we knew we would someday make a great couple. I broke up with many guys for you because no matter what happens you always can take my breath away. Going up to Traverse City to see you last weekend was the best thing I could have done for myself and our relationship. Sitting next to you and just talking to you made me realize none of these other guys can make me as happy as you do. That when we're together nothing else matters in the world, just you and me. You don't care if I haven't shaved in two months or haven't plucked my 'uni-brow' you like me just the way I am. I get more compliments from you about how I look when my hair is pulled back, dirty and greasy with shorts and a tank top on than when I'm all dolled up where it took me three hours or more to get ready. You try so hard to make me happy when the one thing that would make me the most happy is just you putting your arms around me and just let me put my head on your shoulder. I love being in your arms because I feel protected, I know you would battle a zombie if one was coming after me. You are one of the only guys who truly fit in with my family and can follow the chaos that they bring. You have been accepted into each of their lives way back when and I know I've been accepted into your family. God has placed you in my life for much more than someone to hold hands with. You have brought life back to me, you bring a smile to my face, your thought is bringing tears to my eyes as I type this. I could go on all day about how much you mean to me and how much you have done for me. One thing that scares me is that we may not be meant to be. We have broken up on multiple occasions but somehow we never think twice about getting back together. I hope that our love for each other will just continue to grow. If it's in God's Plan that someday we will be getting married (far off in the future of course) I would be so excited because I know that no matter what happens, you will always be there for me and I will always be there for you.
"There's something that i cant quite explain
I'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away
and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away
well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're okay when I'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile"
"Calling You" by Blue October
I'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away
and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away
well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're okay when I'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile"
"Calling You" by Blue October
I'm sorry too those who I have hurt in the past and I hope that you can someday forgive me, I have been hurt and it is not something that anyone wants to ever go through, but I believe that you have to hurt and suffer loss before you can love. So thank you to those who made me cry myself to sleep because you have made me who I am and you have shown me what and who will make me happy in life. I am always here for anyone who needs help, I have gone through my share of good and bad relationships (those listed here are not even all of them). I believe that everyone is on earth of a reason and one of my reasons is because I can help people. I've always been one to help and I want to help others. So please if you want someone to talk to or just need someone to rant to about something email me: Reflections.in.my.Iris@gmail.com I will never ignore an email, it may take me a while to formulate an answer but I will always respond. Also, if you'd like to hear more about me and my life check out my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/ReflectionsinmyIris
Want to hear about my thoughts about any topic, email them to me and more than likely I'll make a post about it.
For now, go think about your life and your relationships. Maybe I said something that struck a cord in your heart, hopefully I did because that's what I'm here for.
Want to hear about my thoughts about any topic, email them to me and more than likely I'll make a post about it.
For now, go think about your life and your relationships. Maybe I said something that struck a cord in your heart, hopefully I did because that's what I'm here for.
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