Independence

You have heard quite a bit about past relationships of mine of this blog and I hearing the song "King of Anything" by Sara Bareillas I relate with so well. I want to be an independent woman but I keep getting into these relationships where guys think they can control me and my entire life becomes theirs. This is a repeating cycle that I see and my boy and I right now are trying to break that. This lyric is particularly hard hitting to me:

"All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide"

I have actually told myself on multiple occasions that it was okay I was miserable because I was making someone else happy. And do you know where that has gotten me? Depressed, a mess, lonely, nutty, and overall just miserable. I relate to this because I'm too busy trying to make people happy all the time that I forget that I am number one and if I'm not happy a relationship would never work. I know this has partly to do with my indecisive nature but when it comes down to it I am indecisive only because I'm too worried about hurting someone else with my decision.
So here's to being in charge of my life and not letting guys, friends, family, or anyone else decide what's best for me and what I should do with my life. If it was up to my peers, family, coworkers, whatever I would be an absolute mess and probably cry myself to sleep more than I already do. I know this because of past relationships and my senior year of high school. During that school year I was stretched so thin between my family, school work, actual work, theatre, boys, and so on. Everyone has an expectation for you and thinks they know the best for your life and I'm telling you that it's just not true. This is probably a reason for why so many teenagers have so many lives, they may act like one person with their family, one with their friends, one with teachers and bosses and so on.. If you know what I'm talking about and can see it in your own life let's take a pledge to put our us first and to make decisions for our life and not let other people control us. Because nobody really knows who you are except you no matter how close they may be to you. This doesn't mean to not listen to advice though, learning from others is good, it's when they try to tell you exactly what to do with your life is when it's bad. You should be able to make your own decisions and if it's your decision to listen to their advice, that's all it is, advice. When you don't make the choice to follow that advice does it make it control and no longer advice.
That's my opinion and please listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics, it's a very heartfelt song and easy to listen to. Music is such a great expression of thought and because there is so many artists and years and years of recorded music you can find a song to fit any mood or emotion. I am a part of a generation where music is a part of who we are and is a way of expressing ourselves and now a days in the culture we live in, it's almost strange to sit in silence, it makes us feel uncomfortable. Because of this there is music playing everywhere: malls, stores, homes, the internet, cars, trains, doctors offices, and so on... So whatever mood you might be in just listen to whatever music is playing wherever you are and you'll find something comforting, that's how I find so many of my favorite songs that explain me such as "King of Anything" it was playing on the XM Radio station my mom was listening to in the house a few days ago.
So hopefully you have taken the pledge to be in control of your own life like I have taken and you will find music or another source to find comfort in (such as books, movies, etc) when life gets hard and you just want something or someone to be able to understand somewhat what you're going through. Music is only one way to find that, books is probably my second choice, there's so many to either get away from your reality (fantasy books) or books to figure out who you are and to understand what others are going through (reality either fiction or nonfiction). I guess what I'm getting down to is just to not keep emotions bottled up, if you don't have too many super close friends you don't want to weigh down one or two other people with your problems and books/music/movies/whatever can be good ways to do that. Keep a journal, listen to music, blog, vlog, whatever just don't keep things bottled up music and movies is a good way to bring out catharsis and if you don't know what that is, look it up. Just live the way you want and be happy and the only way to be happy is to let things go and be yourself.
Before I completely start ranting I am going to be done with this blog post.. I feel like I've ranted enough all ready... I'm good at ranting aren't I?

"King of Anything" ©2010 Sony Music Entertainment

I Will Go...

This blog post came to me at church this morning. It was just like every other Sunday Service: We come in, sang a few songs, listened to the message, sang another song, and then left for the day. But something in the message struck my heart and was just completely washed over me because of the very last song we sang. Steve Zarrilli, our old Middle School Pastor who is a unbelievable moving speaker, spoke this morning because our Senior Pastor is on vacation. He spoke about how as Christians we do not always show what we are taught. How the way we act can fog their idea of who God is or not show them who God is at all. He spoke about this from three different aspects of Judgment, Pride, and Hypocrisy. This message really didn't strike a chord in my heart until we sang the last song when it call came into understanding of what God was telling me. We sang "I Will Go" by Desperation Band which as I'm writing this post I am listening to. A specific quote from this song really hit me which is:

"You’re calling out, “who will go?”
I will go!
I will live the life.
I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ.
I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go."

When I was singing these lyrics with hundreds of others in my church I realized that God is speaking to me in a different way then everyone else in this room. God was telling me that I am starting a new part of my life and I can live it the way I choose. He wants me to go off to college and show this new world of mine that I love him. He doesn't want his name to be clouded with mine or anyone else's judgmental, prideful, or hypocritical nature. So as I go off to college I am preparing myself to "Go". I want God to "Give me wings so I can fly and Tell the world that you [he] is God"

"Here am I, here am I, I will give all that is mine.
Here am I, here am I, Jesus come and spend my life."

So for all who read this hold me accountable to this. Pray for me in my journey and that I will portray the love of God the way that I was made to. I know I've wanted to do this before and always fell away and I know this will be no easy task but hopefully this time I will have the courage to do what God has meant me to do.

This next portion is only if God has spoken to you to share. Either write something like this of what God or whatever you might believe in has shown you in the past few weeks, months, or years. Maybe you don't want to do that and you just want to need prayer in your own mission to spread the love of God please feel free to email me (link in the bar on the right). And if you are praying for me and would like to let me know please feel free to email me. I am here for anyone who may need some prayer, advice, or just someone to share the news of their own missions and adventures of sharing the Word of Christ.

God Bless,
Iris June

When the message I am Referring to is released online I will put a link to it here so you can listen and maybe be effected by the Words of Pastor Steve Zarrilli, the Pastor in charge of Leadership Development. I attend Woodside Bible Church of Troy.

"I Will Go" ©2007 Sony Music Entertainment

Friends

have you ever thought about why we get interested in the opposite sex? what attracts us? almost all of my boyfriends I met and I knew I wanted to try to date them but yet how do we establish substantial relationships with the opposite sex? siblings can be some, life long friends, friends of family, friends of siblings, etc. but in the teenage years every person of the opposite gender you become good friends with you eventually try to be with. so what is this equation for good friends of the opposite sex? is it just meeting them in a situation where you can't date them? or how can you make those friends without that type of meeting? I'm trying to figure this out as I go off to college. so how can we do this? I want to find guy friends I can just hang out with, meet up for coffee, play games, or do whatever with without the pressures of being a guy and girl alone. yes, I know there will always be tension but why more than the necessary? most of those substantial opposite sex relationships I have are either failed relationships, camp friends, family friends, or life-long friends. any suggestions.. more contemplation on this later.

My heart

I allow so many people to come into my 'bubble' and by doing this I allow them to hurt me very easily. Recently I was the subject of a facebook post that literally said to 'f*** off' this was not posted by my very good friend but it was under his name. This just broke my heart because he means a lot to me and I would never say anything bad about him behind his back but evidentally he complains about me all the time to his friends. And this isn't just a one time thing. It happens even within my family. I let my family have an impact over my life and when they ignore me or criticize me it really hurts because all I want is to have people around me to be happy. I have learned how to be happy but it's hard when others don't approve of who you are or what you're doing. I need to learn how to protect my heart from more pain which I have never been good at. Especially when someone means so much to you and you would never do anything to hurt them it's hard to still keep your heart protected and put your own mental stability first.

Recovery

These next two weeks are going to be really boring so if you'd like to keep me company message me, email me... my skype name is IrisB1992. I can't talk for two weeks which means I will be talking through hand motions, grunts, and notes. This will be a long two weeks when I can't talk and can't eat.. I'm going to get so hungry not being able to eat solid food. I really want some solid food probably partly because I watch the food network. Also my hydrocodone isn't really helping me that much. I have a high tolerance to not only pain but also to medication so it takes more medication then is prescribed for me to help with the pain enough so cold/hot packs are helping a lot. I'm just hoping that eventually I'll be able to give into the medication and fall asleep, it makes me a little sleepy but I need to give into the meds in order for it to make me put me to sleep. I don't think I'm going to be hurting for long but still just in case the doctor said to not talk nor eat solid food for two weeks. I think tomorrow or the day after I'll be able to eat mac and cheese though which will help me out a lot. Do you have any suggestions to help me get through these next two weeks? If so leave them in comments.

Pain

I just got back home from my oral surgery to remove my Wisdom Teeth. I'm really not feeling very good, still bleeding and it hurts quite a bit but at least I have no anxiety anymore. I'm just not allowed to eat most foods and I'm not allowed to talk for two weeks. This will be a long two weeks but at least I won't have to deal with this when I get to college. More updates to come.

Wisdom

I'm getting my Wisdom Teeth out on Tuesday... that means I'm not going to be able to talk and eat for a few days (hopefully not for long) and that means I get to post blog entries! Dave will be coming over to take care of me but mostly it will be me typing him things or writing them down or sleeping or just watching tv together. He thinks I'm going to be completely out of it, but I don't think vicodin will do that completely to me. So who knows how weird and out of it I may be though and what might get posted on here. When I get tired I tend to have weird thought processes and me being out of it because of pain medications may increase those effects so I'm sorry about some weird things you may be reading in the next few days.. hopefully I won't scare you guys too much. Until later.. Iris

Pure Thought

So I started making videos on YouTube for my own Video Blog but I can't do it often because of the editing involved. I like to make things perfect when it comes to videos because I have made professional videos. Also when I'm typing or talking I believe that it is my pure thought. When I edit a video I feel like I'm making things more interesting but I'm taking out some of my true thought and how my mind works. When I'm typing out a blog post I try to not edit things, yes, if I'm distracted I'll go rearrange words but I would never delete big parts of what I wrote because that's my thought process and that's who I am. I want people to know who I am and how my mind works is a part of who I am. So from now on I've decided for YouTube I from now on will only upload directly to YouTube so I won't even be tempted to edit my videos. Yes, this could be blamed on me being lazy but that's not it. I truly believe that everything I say or think is a part of what I'm trying to convey. This may end up making things more boring and with empty space in some videos but I will get better and soon enough I'll be able to make a cohesive flowing videos and this will make even my everyday speech more entertaining and I'll become a better storyteller overall. I'm really tired and kinda distracted so sorry if this post is vague and confusing but this is the best I could do in my current situation.

Finally Listened

I'm Dating Dave... he makes me happy.

why do things have to be so tough?

dave and matt...
matt and i dated for a few days last week and we're so good together. we get along so well when we're together but as soon as we're apart things just fall apart. i wish him and i could just work but it's not going to until i'm completely emotionally and mentally stable. i wish he could be happy and then we could be happy together.
dave and i get along so well and he has always been there for me. i just can't handle the distance.
i really can't handle much more of this. i have been crying for the past three days straight and i'm done dealing with this. i need someone to help me. i need to become emotionally stable and that's going to be hard to do.