Today was not a good day, I don't really want to go into details about all that went wrong but I can say Lily screamed her head off for about two hours straight. Even now I'm sitting in the nursery waiting for her to finally fall asleep. While she was screaming and oh so very upset I realized something. I realized that I want to be the perfect mom and know exactly how to calm Lily down when she's upset but I can't. I can always try my hardest but I can never know exactly what to do. And beyond that I will not be the perfect parent, I'm going to screw up just like every parent before me has. No one likes to admit they've screwed up or they will screw up, but you have to face it, we all screw up. But as I was trying to calm Lily down I also realized there is someone who is always going to be there for her and never screw up. She has a perfect father and I'm not talking about Dave. She and I and everyone has a perfect father, whether they accept it or not God is always there for us, his children. I just pray that someday she'll come to know him and realize that even though Dave and myself aren't perfect, God is. He loves us no matter how much we screw up, he accepts us back. And oh how I know I've screwed up but he's always let me come back with open arms. God may punish us at times but every parent has to punish their kids at times, it's the only way that we'll grow and learn what is right and wrong and how we are supposed to act. I am completely in charge of Lily's future. What I do now can and will affect her for the rest of her life and that's a scary thought. If I mess up I'm not just messing up myself, I'm possibly also messing up her life. Every interaction, every meal, every nap could be changing her, possibly very subtly but everything has an impact on her. I just continue to pray everyday that I'm making the best choices I can. I want to make the most of every moment and every opportunity I'm given with her, so that she will turn out to be just an amazing woman someday and I just can't wait to see who she becomes (well, maybe I can, babies are so adorable, a ton of work but I know it's all worth it).
PS.. I can't believe how fast she's growing up, I need to embrace this baby time while I have it because before long she won't be a little baby anymore, but to Dave and I she'll always be our little baby girl.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Teen Mom
I am a teen mom but I am not a classic teen mom that you see on TV saying "it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be". I knew it was going to be hard and starting school in just a few weeks is going to make it even that much harder. I'm going back to not only school but also work. I know I'm going to miss my daughter so much while I'm there. I know it's the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. She's the center of my universe right now. I know for her father it's going to be even tougher than it is for me. He goes to school on the other side of the state and will only be able to see and talk to her over Skype and every other weekend (hopefully) when he gets to come home. I just want to try to do everything right. Therefore I am going to start working on some home videos and I'm putting together a folder on my computer of pictures that I want to print out and put into a photo album (speaking of which I need to put that on my list of things to buy at the store tomorrow).
Everyone keeps asking me what's the hardest thing about being a new mom and honestly I can't give them an answer. It just feels so right to be a mom, yea, it's hard, but it feels so right. The hardest thing at the beginning that I still struggle with right now is trying to learn how to do things with one arm (for the times when she just doesn't want to be put down). One thing I probably miss most is the fact that I can't just get up and go. I don't have a husband that can watch the baby if I ever need to get out, yes, my mom can do that a lot of the time but she also does work a part time job. I get out to the store about once a week because babies and moms need things. I get a shower every other day. You just learn how to manage though. One challenge coming up quickly is that my parents are going out of town for an extended vacation, a time in which I won't have someone there to help a good portion of the time like I do now. Single parenthood is tough. I don't like to call myself a single parent because she does have a daddy that is very involved in her life and we live with her grandparents who are here for anything, also her other set of grandparents just down the road a little ways. But I am a single parent, I'm not married and I don't have a partner that is there in the middle of the night to help with the 4 am feedings. I feel like the teen mom population is so misrepresented in society and the media and I want to change that. I expected parenthood to be tough and actually, I feel like I've adjusted. I was given a baby who is really an angel. Yes, she cries and yells and wakes up occasionally in the middle of the night but truly she is a good baby. She will let me sleep for one good long stretch at night and then at least one more 2 hour stretch either in the morning or early afternoon. I know I'm one of the lucky new moms but God knew exactly what I could handle and he gave my perfect little girl to me.
Everyone keeps asking me what's the hardest thing about being a new mom and honestly I can't give them an answer. It just feels so right to be a mom, yea, it's hard, but it feels so right. The hardest thing at the beginning that I still struggle with right now is trying to learn how to do things with one arm (for the times when she just doesn't want to be put down). One thing I probably miss most is the fact that I can't just get up and go. I don't have a husband that can watch the baby if I ever need to get out, yes, my mom can do that a lot of the time but she also does work a part time job. I get out to the store about once a week because babies and moms need things. I get a shower every other day. You just learn how to manage though. One challenge coming up quickly is that my parents are going out of town for an extended vacation, a time in which I won't have someone there to help a good portion of the time like I do now. Single parenthood is tough. I don't like to call myself a single parent because she does have a daddy that is very involved in her life and we live with her grandparents who are here for anything, also her other set of grandparents just down the road a little ways. But I am a single parent, I'm not married and I don't have a partner that is there in the middle of the night to help with the 4 am feedings. I feel like the teen mom population is so misrepresented in society and the media and I want to change that. I expected parenthood to be tough and actually, I feel like I've adjusted. I was given a baby who is really an angel. Yes, she cries and yells and wakes up occasionally in the middle of the night but truly she is a good baby. She will let me sleep for one good long stretch at night and then at least one more 2 hour stretch either in the morning or early afternoon. I know I'm one of the lucky new moms but God knew exactly what I could handle and he gave my perfect little girl to me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Growing Up
I was told my entire life that I'll be a great mother. I've always been a motherly figure to my friends and I love taking care of people. Well, now I am a mother. My daughter was born on May 24th and I love her to death. As much as I love her I always have that little voice in my ear saying "what if". I miss being at Hope College and everyone I met there, I miss being able to go out in the evening without having to find a baby sitter (usually my parents) and being on a few hour time restriction so that I can get back in time to feed her next. I miss being able to sleep for hours on end without really having to think about getting up and moving on with my day. But even though I do sometimes wish I could have my old life back I wouldn't change what I have now for anything. I love my baby girl and nothing will ever change that.
But a warning to those who are younger than me. All your life you want to grow up, become an adult, be independent, and so on. For me I always wanted a man and a family. I have that, I'm engaged to be married to my baby's daddy who I love very much and I have a beautiful baby girl. But you don't realize what you had until it is gone. I never fully appreciated the stages of life I was in because I was always looking ahead to what's next. As the saying goes "Take time to stop and smell the roses". I never took time to look around and really appreciate what was going on in my life at any particular time, I was always wanting to move on to the next thing. That's our society though, we're always wanting to move on to the next thing because in our eyes they're bigger and better. Just appreciate where you are in life and, although preparing for the future, enjoy the stage you are in now. Every day, every moment, shapes you to who you become and so therefore you have to go through these moments to be a (hopefully) better person in the end.
One of my all-time favorite movie quotes is from Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and it goes a little something like this:
"...he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."
So I'll let you take what you want out of it, I know what this quote shows me and I hope it will show you something too. Sometimes some of the most valuable lessons can be learned from Hollywood, but not always, sometimes the messages Hollywood sends us are just wrong and usually crude.
But a warning to those who are younger than me. All your life you want to grow up, become an adult, be independent, and so on. For me I always wanted a man and a family. I have that, I'm engaged to be married to my baby's daddy who I love very much and I have a beautiful baby girl. But you don't realize what you had until it is gone. I never fully appreciated the stages of life I was in because I was always looking ahead to what's next. As the saying goes "Take time to stop and smell the roses". I never took time to look around and really appreciate what was going on in my life at any particular time, I was always wanting to move on to the next thing. That's our society though, we're always wanting to move on to the next thing because in our eyes they're bigger and better. Just appreciate where you are in life and, although preparing for the future, enjoy the stage you are in now. Every day, every moment, shapes you to who you become and so therefore you have to go through these moments to be a (hopefully) better person in the end.
One of my all-time favorite movie quotes is from Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and it goes a little something like this:
"...he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."
So I'll let you take what you want out of it, I know what this quote shows me and I hope it will show you something too. Sometimes some of the most valuable lessons can be learned from Hollywood, but not always, sometimes the messages Hollywood sends us are just wrong and usually crude.
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