Today was not a good day, I don't really want to go into details about all that went wrong but I can say Lily screamed her head off for about two hours straight. Even now I'm sitting in the nursery waiting for her to finally fall asleep. While she was screaming and oh so very upset I realized something. I realized that I want to be the perfect mom and know exactly how to calm Lily down when she's upset but I can't. I can always try my hardest but I can never know exactly what to do. And beyond that I will not be the perfect parent, I'm going to screw up just like every parent before me has. No one likes to admit they've screwed up or they will screw up, but you have to face it, we all screw up. But as I was trying to calm Lily down I also realized there is someone who is always going to be there for her and never screw up. She has a perfect father and I'm not talking about Dave. She and I and everyone has a perfect father, whether they accept it or not God is always there for us, his children. I just pray that someday she'll come to know him and realize that even though Dave and myself aren't perfect, God is. He loves us no matter how much we screw up, he accepts us back. And oh how I know I've screwed up but he's always let me come back with open arms. God may punish us at times but every parent has to punish their kids at times, it's the only way that we'll grow and learn what is right and wrong and how we are supposed to act. I am completely in charge of Lily's future. What I do now can and will affect her for the rest of her life and that's a scary thought. If I mess up I'm not just messing up myself, I'm possibly also messing up her life. Every interaction, every meal, every nap could be changing her, possibly very subtly but everything has an impact on her. I just continue to pray everyday that I'm making the best choices I can. I want to make the most of every moment and every opportunity I'm given with her, so that she will turn out to be just an amazing woman someday and I just can't wait to see who she becomes (well, maybe I can, babies are so adorable, a ton of work but I know it's all worth it).
PS.. I can't believe how fast she's growing up, I need to embrace this baby time while I have it because before long she won't be a little baby anymore, but to Dave and I she'll always be our little baby girl.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Teen Mom
I am a teen mom but I am not a classic teen mom that you see on TV saying "it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be". I knew it was going to be hard and starting school in just a few weeks is going to make it even that much harder. I'm going back to not only school but also work. I know I'm going to miss my daughter so much while I'm there. I know it's the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. She's the center of my universe right now. I know for her father it's going to be even tougher than it is for me. He goes to school on the other side of the state and will only be able to see and talk to her over Skype and every other weekend (hopefully) when he gets to come home. I just want to try to do everything right. Therefore I am going to start working on some home videos and I'm putting together a folder on my computer of pictures that I want to print out and put into a photo album (speaking of which I need to put that on my list of things to buy at the store tomorrow).
Everyone keeps asking me what's the hardest thing about being a new mom and honestly I can't give them an answer. It just feels so right to be a mom, yea, it's hard, but it feels so right. The hardest thing at the beginning that I still struggle with right now is trying to learn how to do things with one arm (for the times when she just doesn't want to be put down). One thing I probably miss most is the fact that I can't just get up and go. I don't have a husband that can watch the baby if I ever need to get out, yes, my mom can do that a lot of the time but she also does work a part time job. I get out to the store about once a week because babies and moms need things. I get a shower every other day. You just learn how to manage though. One challenge coming up quickly is that my parents are going out of town for an extended vacation, a time in which I won't have someone there to help a good portion of the time like I do now. Single parenthood is tough. I don't like to call myself a single parent because she does have a daddy that is very involved in her life and we live with her grandparents who are here for anything, also her other set of grandparents just down the road a little ways. But I am a single parent, I'm not married and I don't have a partner that is there in the middle of the night to help with the 4 am feedings. I feel like the teen mom population is so misrepresented in society and the media and I want to change that. I expected parenthood to be tough and actually, I feel like I've adjusted. I was given a baby who is really an angel. Yes, she cries and yells and wakes up occasionally in the middle of the night but truly she is a good baby. She will let me sleep for one good long stretch at night and then at least one more 2 hour stretch either in the morning or early afternoon. I know I'm one of the lucky new moms but God knew exactly what I could handle and he gave my perfect little girl to me.
Everyone keeps asking me what's the hardest thing about being a new mom and honestly I can't give them an answer. It just feels so right to be a mom, yea, it's hard, but it feels so right. The hardest thing at the beginning that I still struggle with right now is trying to learn how to do things with one arm (for the times when she just doesn't want to be put down). One thing I probably miss most is the fact that I can't just get up and go. I don't have a husband that can watch the baby if I ever need to get out, yes, my mom can do that a lot of the time but she also does work a part time job. I get out to the store about once a week because babies and moms need things. I get a shower every other day. You just learn how to manage though. One challenge coming up quickly is that my parents are going out of town for an extended vacation, a time in which I won't have someone there to help a good portion of the time like I do now. Single parenthood is tough. I don't like to call myself a single parent because she does have a daddy that is very involved in her life and we live with her grandparents who are here for anything, also her other set of grandparents just down the road a little ways. But I am a single parent, I'm not married and I don't have a partner that is there in the middle of the night to help with the 4 am feedings. I feel like the teen mom population is so misrepresented in society and the media and I want to change that. I expected parenthood to be tough and actually, I feel like I've adjusted. I was given a baby who is really an angel. Yes, she cries and yells and wakes up occasionally in the middle of the night but truly she is a good baby. She will let me sleep for one good long stretch at night and then at least one more 2 hour stretch either in the morning or early afternoon. I know I'm one of the lucky new moms but God knew exactly what I could handle and he gave my perfect little girl to me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Growing Up
I was told my entire life that I'll be a great mother. I've always been a motherly figure to my friends and I love taking care of people. Well, now I am a mother. My daughter was born on May 24th and I love her to death. As much as I love her I always have that little voice in my ear saying "what if". I miss being at Hope College and everyone I met there, I miss being able to go out in the evening without having to find a baby sitter (usually my parents) and being on a few hour time restriction so that I can get back in time to feed her next. I miss being able to sleep for hours on end without really having to think about getting up and moving on with my day. But even though I do sometimes wish I could have my old life back I wouldn't change what I have now for anything. I love my baby girl and nothing will ever change that.
But a warning to those who are younger than me. All your life you want to grow up, become an adult, be independent, and so on. For me I always wanted a man and a family. I have that, I'm engaged to be married to my baby's daddy who I love very much and I have a beautiful baby girl. But you don't realize what you had until it is gone. I never fully appreciated the stages of life I was in because I was always looking ahead to what's next. As the saying goes "Take time to stop and smell the roses". I never took time to look around and really appreciate what was going on in my life at any particular time, I was always wanting to move on to the next thing. That's our society though, we're always wanting to move on to the next thing because in our eyes they're bigger and better. Just appreciate where you are in life and, although preparing for the future, enjoy the stage you are in now. Every day, every moment, shapes you to who you become and so therefore you have to go through these moments to be a (hopefully) better person in the end.
One of my all-time favorite movie quotes is from Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and it goes a little something like this:
"...he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."
So I'll let you take what you want out of it, I know what this quote shows me and I hope it will show you something too. Sometimes some of the most valuable lessons can be learned from Hollywood, but not always, sometimes the messages Hollywood sends us are just wrong and usually crude.
But a warning to those who are younger than me. All your life you want to grow up, become an adult, be independent, and so on. For me I always wanted a man and a family. I have that, I'm engaged to be married to my baby's daddy who I love very much and I have a beautiful baby girl. But you don't realize what you had until it is gone. I never fully appreciated the stages of life I was in because I was always looking ahead to what's next. As the saying goes "Take time to stop and smell the roses". I never took time to look around and really appreciate what was going on in my life at any particular time, I was always wanting to move on to the next thing. That's our society though, we're always wanting to move on to the next thing because in our eyes they're bigger and better. Just appreciate where you are in life and, although preparing for the future, enjoy the stage you are in now. Every day, every moment, shapes you to who you become and so therefore you have to go through these moments to be a (hopefully) better person in the end.
One of my all-time favorite movie quotes is from Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and it goes a little something like this:
"...he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that."
So I'll let you take what you want out of it, I know what this quote shows me and I hope it will show you something too. Sometimes some of the most valuable lessons can be learned from Hollywood, but not always, sometimes the messages Hollywood sends us are just wrong and usually crude.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A Paper about Nothing
Should not be writing a paper about anything we want be a college students dream? Students constantly are asking to be able to pick their own topics for paper because it gives them more freedom. Then why is it that whenever I get to choose a topic for a paper I cannot think of one. After putting off this one page writing assignment for a few days now I decided, why do I need a topic? This can be about whatever I want to write about so why not write a one-page paper about nothing? It’s like the old television show Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld came up with the idea of having a show about nothing, a show about daily life, and now those same kind of television shows are some of the only one’s that we see nowadays. So if he can make a television show about nothing, why cannot I do the same thing but with a paper?
Reality, a word that means the state of things as they exist. I like to think of it as my daily life. The reality of today can be completely different from the reality of tomorrow. Today my reality is finishing this paper, eating dinner at some point, and worrying about my best friend driving through the snow. Tomorrow, and for the next week is going to be finishing up my school work for the rest of the semester and studying for exams, not caring about too much other than what the end of this semester holds. These few weeks, although it may be classified under the nothing Jerry Seinfeld talks about would not make a good television show. The reality we see on television and the reality we live with on a daily basis are different. The reality of television is an exaggerated, made-for-entertainment reality where there is some truth to the day-to-day workings but it’s not what you would see in a normal household on a normal basis. Even the Kate Gosselin and the Duggar Families, their stories are edited and shorted to fit in an hour on television where the crew could easily be filming for a few weeks for that one episode. I sometimes want my life to be as entertaining as it is on television but if it was, I would be a fake. There are moments I believe my life should be a sitcom but sitting in my dorm room typing this paper is not one of them. So can a college student write an entertaining paper about nothing? I think I will let you judge that one.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Independence
You have heard quite a bit about past relationships of mine of this blog and I hearing the song "King of Anything" by Sara Bareillas I relate with so well. I want to be an independent woman but I keep getting into these relationships where guys think they can control me and my entire life becomes theirs. This is a repeating cycle that I see and my boy and I right now are trying to break that. This lyric is particularly hard hitting to me:
So here's to being in charge of my life and not letting guys, friends, family, or anyone else decide what's best for me and what I should do with my life. If it was up to my peers, family, coworkers, whatever I would be an absolute mess and probably cry myself to sleep more than I already do. I know this because of past relationships and my senior year of high school. During that school year I was stretched so thin between my family, school work, actual work, theatre, boys, and so on. Everyone has an expectation for you and thinks they know the best for your life and I'm telling you that it's just not true. This is probably a reason for why so many teenagers have so many lives, they may act like one person with their family, one with their friends, one with teachers and bosses and so on.. If you know what I'm talking about and can see it in your own life let's take a pledge to put our us first and to make decisions for our life and not let other people control us. Because nobody really knows who you are except you no matter how close they may be to you. This doesn't mean to not listen to advice though, learning from others is good, it's when they try to tell you exactly what to do with your life is when it's bad. You should be able to make your own decisions and if it's your decision to listen to their advice, that's all it is, advice. When you don't make the choice to follow that advice does it make it control and no longer advice.
That's my opinion and please listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics, it's a very heartfelt song and easy to listen to. Music is such a great expression of thought and because there is so many artists and years and years of recorded music you can find a song to fit any mood or emotion. I am a part of a generation where music is a part of who we are and is a way of expressing ourselves and now a days in the culture we live in, it's almost strange to sit in silence, it makes us feel uncomfortable. Because of this there is music playing everywhere: malls, stores, homes, the internet, cars, trains, doctors offices, and so on... So whatever mood you might be in just listen to whatever music is playing wherever you are and you'll find something comforting, that's how I find so many of my favorite songs that explain me such as "King of Anything" it was playing on the XM Radio station my mom was listening to in the house a few days ago.
So hopefully you have taken the pledge to be in control of your own life like I have taken and you will find music or another source to find comfort in (such as books, movies, etc) when life gets hard and you just want something or someone to be able to understand somewhat what you're going through. Music is only one way to find that, books is probably my second choice, there's so many to either get away from your reality (fantasy books) or books to figure out who you are and to understand what others are going through (reality either fiction or nonfiction). I guess what I'm getting down to is just to not keep emotions bottled up, if you don't have too many super close friends you don't want to weigh down one or two other people with your problems and books/music/movies/whatever can be good ways to do that. Keep a journal, listen to music, blog, vlog, whatever just don't keep things bottled up music and movies is a good way to bring out catharsis and if you don't know what that is, look it up. Just live the way you want and be happy and the only way to be happy is to let things go and be yourself.
Before I completely start ranting I am going to be done with this blog post.. I feel like I've ranted enough all ready... I'm good at ranting aren't I?
"King of Anything" ©2010 Sony Music Entertainment
"All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide"
I have actually told myself on multiple occasions that it was okay I was miserable because I was making someone else happy. And do you know where that has gotten me? Depressed, a mess, lonely, nutty, and overall just miserable. I relate to this because I'm too busy trying to make people happy all the time that I forget that I am number one and if I'm not happy a relationship would never work. I know this has partly to do with my indecisive nature but when it comes down to it I am indecisive only because I'm too worried about hurting someone else with my decision.While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide"
So here's to being in charge of my life and not letting guys, friends, family, or anyone else decide what's best for me and what I should do with my life. If it was up to my peers, family, coworkers, whatever I would be an absolute mess and probably cry myself to sleep more than I already do. I know this because of past relationships and my senior year of high school. During that school year I was stretched so thin between my family, school work, actual work, theatre, boys, and so on. Everyone has an expectation for you and thinks they know the best for your life and I'm telling you that it's just not true. This is probably a reason for why so many teenagers have so many lives, they may act like one person with their family, one with their friends, one with teachers and bosses and so on.. If you know what I'm talking about and can see it in your own life let's take a pledge to put our us first and to make decisions for our life and not let other people control us. Because nobody really knows who you are except you no matter how close they may be to you. This doesn't mean to not listen to advice though, learning from others is good, it's when they try to tell you exactly what to do with your life is when it's bad. You should be able to make your own decisions and if it's your decision to listen to their advice, that's all it is, advice. When you don't make the choice to follow that advice does it make it control and no longer advice.
That's my opinion and please listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics, it's a very heartfelt song and easy to listen to. Music is such a great expression of thought and because there is so many artists and years and years of recorded music you can find a song to fit any mood or emotion. I am a part of a generation where music is a part of who we are and is a way of expressing ourselves and now a days in the culture we live in, it's almost strange to sit in silence, it makes us feel uncomfortable. Because of this there is music playing everywhere: malls, stores, homes, the internet, cars, trains, doctors offices, and so on... So whatever mood you might be in just listen to whatever music is playing wherever you are and you'll find something comforting, that's how I find so many of my favorite songs that explain me such as "King of Anything" it was playing on the XM Radio station my mom was listening to in the house a few days ago.
So hopefully you have taken the pledge to be in control of your own life like I have taken and you will find music or another source to find comfort in (such as books, movies, etc) when life gets hard and you just want something or someone to be able to understand somewhat what you're going through. Music is only one way to find that, books is probably my second choice, there's so many to either get away from your reality (fantasy books) or books to figure out who you are and to understand what others are going through (reality either fiction or nonfiction). I guess what I'm getting down to is just to not keep emotions bottled up, if you don't have too many super close friends you don't want to weigh down one or two other people with your problems and books/music/movies/whatever can be good ways to do that. Keep a journal, listen to music, blog, vlog, whatever just don't keep things bottled up music and movies is a good way to bring out catharsis and if you don't know what that is, look it up. Just live the way you want and be happy and the only way to be happy is to let things go and be yourself.
Before I completely start ranting I am going to be done with this blog post.. I feel like I've ranted enough all ready... I'm good at ranting aren't I?
"King of Anything" ©2010 Sony Music Entertainment
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I Will Go...
This blog post came to me at church this morning. It was just like every other Sunday Service: We come in, sang a few songs, listened to the message, sang another song, and then left for the day. But something in the message struck my heart and was just completely washed over me because of the very last song we sang. Steve Zarrilli, our old Middle School Pastor who is a unbelievable moving speaker, spoke this morning because our Senior Pastor is on vacation. He spoke about how as Christians we do not always show what we are taught. How the way we act can fog their idea of who God is or not show them who God is at all. He spoke about this from three different aspects of Judgment, Pride, and Hypocrisy. This message really didn't strike a chord in my heart until we sang the last song when it call came into understanding of what God was telling me. We sang "I Will Go" by Desperation Band which as I'm writing this post I am listening to. A specific quote from this song really hit me which is:
"You’re calling out, “who will go?”
I will go!
I will live the life.
I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ.
I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go."
I will go!
I will live the life.
I’ll give it all for Jesus Christ.
I’ll tell the world that You are God.
I will go."
When I was singing these lyrics with hundreds of others in my church I realized that God is speaking to me in a different way then everyone else in this room. God was telling me that I am starting a new part of my life and I can live it the way I choose. He wants me to go off to college and show this new world of mine that I love him. He doesn't want his name to be clouded with mine or anyone else's judgmental, prideful, or hypocritical nature. So as I go off to college I am preparing myself to "Go". I want God to "Give me wings so I can fly and Tell the world that you [he] is God"
So for all who read this hold me accountable to this. Pray for me in my journey and that I will portray the love of God the way that I was made to. I know I've wanted to do this before and always fell away and I know this will be no easy task but hopefully this time I will have the courage to do what God has meant me to do.
This next portion is only if God has spoken to you to share. Either write something like this of what God or whatever you might believe in has shown you in the past few weeks, months, or years. Maybe you don't want to do that and you just want to need prayer in your own mission to spread the love of God please feel free to email me (link in the bar on the right). And if you are praying for me and would like to let me know please feel free to email me. I am here for anyone who may need some prayer, advice, or just someone to share the news of their own missions and adventures of sharing the Word of Christ.
"Here am I, here am I, I will give all that is mine.
Here am I, here am I, Jesus come and spend my life."
Here am I, here am I, Jesus come and spend my life."
So for all who read this hold me accountable to this. Pray for me in my journey and that I will portray the love of God the way that I was made to. I know I've wanted to do this before and always fell away and I know this will be no easy task but hopefully this time I will have the courage to do what God has meant me to do.
This next portion is only if God has spoken to you to share. Either write something like this of what God or whatever you might believe in has shown you in the past few weeks, months, or years. Maybe you don't want to do that and you just want to need prayer in your own mission to spread the love of God please feel free to email me (link in the bar on the right). And if you are praying for me and would like to let me know please feel free to email me. I am here for anyone who may need some prayer, advice, or just someone to share the news of their own missions and adventures of sharing the Word of Christ.
God Bless,
Iris June
When the message I am Referring to is released online I will put a link to it here so you can listen and maybe be effected by the Words of Pastor Steve Zarrilli, the Pastor in charge of Leadership Development. I attend Woodside Bible Church of Troy.
"I Will Go" ©2007 Sony Music Entertainment
Iris June
When the message I am Referring to is released online I will put a link to it here so you can listen and maybe be effected by the Words of Pastor Steve Zarrilli, the Pastor in charge of Leadership Development. I attend Woodside Bible Church of Troy.
"I Will Go" ©2007 Sony Music Entertainment
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friends
have you ever thought about why we get interested in the opposite sex? what attracts us? almost all of my boyfriends I met and I knew I wanted to try to date them but yet how do we establish substantial relationships with the opposite sex? siblings can be some, life long friends, friends of family, friends of siblings, etc. but in the teenage years every person of the opposite gender you become good friends with you eventually try to be with. so what is this equation for good friends of the opposite sex? is it just meeting them in a situation where you can't date them? or how can you make those friends without that type of meeting? I'm trying to figure this out as I go off to college. so how can we do this? I want to find guy friends I can just hang out with, meet up for coffee, play games, or do whatever with without the pressures of being a guy and girl alone. yes, I know there will always be tension but why more than the necessary? most of those substantial opposite sex relationships I have are either failed relationships, camp friends, family friends, or life-long friends. any suggestions.. more contemplation on this later.
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